While doing youth ministry in Sarnia, I concentrated mainly on ministering to young people. Though fun, productive, and rewarding, there always seemed to be something missing for me. As I minister here in Calvin, I've realized that the family unit was that missing piece. Consequently, I've prodded our church to experiment with various ways to do family ministry at Calvin, albeit somewhat covertly : ). We've done inter-generational mission trips, held Youth Church Education classes with children and parents together, and began allowing children to partake in the Lord's Supper (that one was a denominational initiative). In reading these books I am hoping that more ideas and methodology bubbles to the surface for me.
The books I read were Faith Begins at Home,
by Mark Holmen,
and the accompanying workbook Take it Home,
by Mark Holmen and Dave Teixeira.
I'll begin by highlighting some comments made by Holmen in
Faith Begins at Home.
To begin with, I liked the book. It flowed well, had good content and affirmed some things I'd been thinking about for a long time. In the introduction, Holmen makes the very honest comment that "...every family is dysfunctional" (10). He then goes on to outline the way the book will unfold:
Chapter 1 talks about the status of the family today.
Chapter 2 challenges parents and their walk with God.
Chapter 3 focuses on children.
Chapter 4 looks at grandparents, elders and mentors as ways to help families.
Chapter 5 looks at the church and what it can do to assist families.
In chapter one Holmen takes some time to pick apart the family unit. I appreciate his honesty as he talks about his own family growing up. He correctly points out a fact that many of us may not want to admit, namely that "...families today ... find themselves in a cycle of unhealthy behavior, yet when asked how they are doing, they simply say, 'We're fine!'" (20-21). He suggests that "many families 'play Christians' on Sunday mornings, but they don't want to 'be Christians' the rest of the week" (23). That comment gave me pause. I agree with it to a point, but I also know that the flip side of that coin is that many families are simply too busy to 'be Christians' during the week. Life gets busy with children involved in all sorts of things, and our walk with God gets placed way down on the list of priorities, but more about that in a minute.
Holmen also rightly says that family ministry "is messy business" (23). Families "face everything from divorce to clinical depression to teenaged rebellion to every kind of addiction imaginable" (23). He then gets to the main point of his book. It's time for families "to make Christ the center of your home" (25).
Chapter two gets personal with parents about their role in the family unit. I think that most of us know implicitly that parents play a major role in the influencing of their children. So, "the question is not are we passing things on to our children, but what are we passing on to our children" (41)?
Holmen did a study on who was the most significant religious influence in the lives of young people, and the results weren't surprising to me. They just reaffirmed what I already had discovered over time. "The reality [is] that parents are the primary influences in the faith development of children - and that a lot of people topped youth pastors" (42). : )
Holmen made a startling revelation that again caused me to pause: "As a youth and family pastor . . . I was trained . . . [to teach faith to children] . . . but no one trained me to equip the parents to pass on the faith to their children" (44). Now we in the Christian Reformed Church have a long tradition of supporting and maintaining Christian Schools, and they play a wonderful role in the lives of our children. We even use a great picture of a three legged stool in which the Christian School, the church and the family each represent one of the legs. All three must be working together and be balanced in order for the chair to support anything. This implies that all are of equal importance, something which I have struggled with over the years.
I do value all three, but I increasingly agree with Holmen when he states that "if a child is not receiving basic Christian nurture in the home, even the best teachers and curriculum will have minimal impact" (44). I increasingly think that the church [and Christian School] are not equal legs in the stool, nor is the stool a good picture of the relationship that all 3 play as they work together. A more apt description would be two sticks angled to support a longer beam. If one of the sticks is taken out, the whole structure falls, but the role of the sticks is to support and keep stable the main angled beam. The church and school need to support the family unit, no matter what shape it takes.
The problem is that "over the past 30 to 40 years, there has been a movement away from the home being the primary place where faith is nurtured" (46). Churches, and in our tradition, Christian Schools, have not intended to have this happen, but as families got busier they found the church [and school] as a great place to "pass on the faith nurturing responsibilities" to others (46).
From all of this, Holmen then makes a statement that sums up for me the whole struggle that we see with young people and young adults leaving the church. In its most simple form, stripped of all outside influences, I would tend to agree that "the reason these kids don't return to church is because faith hasn't been firmly established and lived out in their homes" (46). Holmen then points his finger squarely at parents with this difficult, but central point: "While it's good that everyone desires that our teenagers have a stronger faith, the truth is that what we see in our teenagers' faith is a mirror image of our own faith. So, the issue is not their faith, but your [our] faith" (48). I challenge you (and me) to take a moment and re-read that quote two or three more times.........
Now that stings; cuts to the bone; and should cause us to think long and hard, wouldn't you agree? Holmen suggests that "the makeover in your family begins with a makeover in your heart" (49). As an aside, I am aware that there are many God fearing parents who have seen their children wander away from church and faith. It has been a hurtful process for them and their desire is that their child(ren) return to the Lord. As such, even having stated that parents play a huge role in the faith development of their children, I am aware that there are other factors that affect/influence a child and some of them are beyond a parent's control.
Now that your emotions are all churned up, let's stir the pot even more as we move on to the subject of the children. : ) Holmen suggests that for children, it's all about faith. He says that "if you want what's best for your child [spiritually], you can safely conclude that a personal faith is the most important thing that a child needs in his or her life" (70). Further, parents must realize that "if you're not modeling, discussing and sharing your faith with your children in your home, their faith will most likely not stick when they grow older" (71).
Holmen described a young person named "Eddie." Eddie was a typical young person in his youth ministry who attended faithfully. However, Holmen never saw Eddie's parents. After youth group, Eddie gradually withdrew from church life and down a path that was not positive. All the youth ministry programs were just that for Eddie; programs. They did not become a way of life because "his faith was not grounded at home ... [but] ... other values were 'impressed' on Eddie" (72). Hence, Holmen unfortunately correctly points out that "due to the influences that Eddie received at home, faith looked like a program rather than a lifestyle to him. And when the program was done, so was Eddie" (72).
Holmen then gives some very good advice on how parents can help children with their faith walk. He uses the acronym of T.R.A.I.N.
T = Time. Instilling faith in a child takes time. When could that time be....anytime really. Whether in the car (sorry, no ipod can replace good conversation), when your child is sick, going to bed, at the dinner table, on vacation with you, on a mission trip with you (something I strongly encourage now), or simply alone with you on a weekend getaway. All are great times to talk about faith issues. The question is are we going to take advantage of them?
R = Repetition. We need to "continually repeat the basic truths of God to our children" (78).
A = Acceptance. Acceptance is huge for children as they grow up. They need to know they will be accepted in both the good times, and those times when they screw up.
I = Intentionality. We need to "intentionally involve ourselves in the lives of our children" (81). Now our children might think of this as meddling, and we will "probably . . . have some uncomfortable discussions with [our] kids," but in the long run, they will thank you for this (83).
N = Never Ending. The simple fact is that once your children are born, they never stop being your children. Sharing your faith walk with your children should never end, no matter what age your children are.
Chapter four deals with extended family and elders. Holmen suggests that it's a good idea that grandparents meddle in the lives of their children and children's children. I'm not sure I fully agree with the statement, but I get his idea. He fleshes it out by stating that "when the elder generation disengages from active involvement and participation in nurturing the faith of today's families, they lose, we lose, our children lose, and our children's children lose" (97). Interesting comment. A good way to start this process is to simply give your parents regular prayer requests about your family. If your children don't have grandparents, you can find others who are willing to be "elder mentors" to you and your children.
We end the book with Holmen talking about the church's role in all of this. I confess that I REALLY liked what he had to say. Again, it reconfirmed for me what I've been thinking about for a long time, but you might not like what you are about to read. I'm okay with that! : ) So, let me get right to what those points are.
1. Church should not simply be a drop off point for your children, or for you as a parent. There needs to be a partnership between church and family.
2. Unfortunately, "Satan knows that the Christian Church [in whatever form it takes] is one of the most valuable resources families need in order to succeed" (118). Hence, he keeps families very busy today so many don't have that important partnership.
3. Church should be your "third place" (123). Holmen means that the majority of your time as a family is spent at work if you are an adult (or in school if you are a child), and at home. These two places "establish the foundation of much of your daily routine" (123). What fills the 3rd, 4th, 5th and succeeding spots becomes a bit of a battle in the lives of Christian families today. Sports, schools (even Christian ones), hobbies, and other things can become that third spot in many families. Holmen suggests that, though these are "all important when it comes to the growth and development of children, they simply need to be behind church on the priority scale . . . because the church is the Bride of Christ" (123). Hard words to read, but I think very true. It's often said that where you spend your money provides a good idea of where your priorities lie. I think the same is true of your time.
If church community is important to you, and you want your children's faith life to grow, then time needs to be spent with a church community. In today's world it's not enough to simply drop off your children at church and hope the youth pastor will teach them faith. In our tradition, it's not good enough to do that with Christian Schools either. It's also not good enough for adults to think they've arrived spiritually just because they've done Profession of Faith. I've seen many parents over my life in ministry model to their children that once you do Profession of Faith, growing in one's faith doesn't seem to be important any longer. If spiritual growth is not high on your priority list, your children will "catch" that very quickly and you shouldn't be surprised that for them, spiritual growth isn't important either. That trend is changing, but there is still a long way to go.
4. Finally, Holmen echoed a key point that I find myself using more and more often in ministry. It's so important to 'plant spiritual roots' in a church, once you find a church that seems to be a good fit for you. It needs to become your family's "third place" if you will. Even though we all know the church is far from perfect, it's so important "to pour ourselves into the church. We need to become active in the ministries, build relationships with the people, and use our gifts to serve the Body" (126). That is because it's pretty much impossible to "really know God or sustain a relationship with him without being actively connected to and with a body of believers (again, this could take many different forms) who are hungering and thirsting to live life God's way" (127).
You might be thinking that just because Holmen and myself happen to work in the context of church, we are biased to this point of view, so you can dismiss our arguments (I've had people do that). I point you then to the great story of the man who decided he didn't want to go to church any longer because he was frustrated. The pastor came by for a visit, but didn't say anything. He just sat down by the burning fire in the man's living room and pulled out a burning log. He then quietly sipped his coffee. Soon that burning log died down to only a burning ember. Left alone, it would have become cold all alone beside the fire. However, the pastor took that cooling, flameless log and placed it back on the fire. Soon it was flaming again. The pastor then got up and left. The man was back in church the next week because "he realized that apart from the church, the flame of his relationship with God would weaken over time and eventually die out" (128).
Now this doesn't mean that the church should simply sit back and think it deserves people's respect and attendance. That is arrogance and sinful. The church needs to continually seek to be relevant in an ever changing world, but it can't do that without people coming to help keep the church moving.
That brings us to the end of the facts of Holmen's book. Again, I liked what he had to say. The church as a whole needs to recognize that family ministry is just as important as ministry to singles, the elderly, etc., because in actual fact, all of these people are part of a family unit too. Christians need to realize that we are becoming increasingly busy as families, but that should not be an excuse to ceasing to instill faith values into our children throughout their lives. The trend today continues to be, "what's in it for me." In reality, faith in Christ has very little to do with self, and much to do with service and community. The church must continue to shout that message to families in a world that shouts loudly to them that church is no longer important. Even though families are the primary place of faith nurture, the church plays an important role.
So, there you have Holmen's and my thoughts on family ministry and the church. You may not agree with everything mentioned, but I hope the quotes have caused you to pause in your life and examine how your family is doing spiritually. Some of you may be well on your way and have a good relationship with each other when it comes to discussing spiritual matters. Others of you may have to honestly admit you have things to work on and improve on (I know our family could work on some things for sure). That's tough, but important as a first step in getting your family on the road to growing in faith.
It is my hope to be able to use several ideas in our youth and church school ministries that I gleaned from the other book Take it Home. It is important that Calvin become a church that nurtures families, no matter what form they take. We are on the road already, but there's always room for improvement.
It kind of goes back to the mirror image that you portray for your children. The church also becomes a mirror for you and your family's spiritual growth. If the church is not seeking God actively, it will affect your wanting to as well.
I end with a summarizing quote from Holmen which succinctly states the place of the family and church and what is necessary for the family to succeed in today's world:
"I believe that the home is the primary place where faith is to be nurtured. If our families are going to be able to stand up to Satan's attacks, we must have Christ in the center of each and every one of our homes. This begins with the love of Christ in our hearts as parents. It then becomes firmly established in each child as our lifestyle reflects that we're walking with Christ 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. This lifestyle won't be easy, but that's why God gave us the Church - an intentional Christian community filled with elders and fellow sojourners - to serve as a resource and safe haven for our families. That's it! . . . this is what every family needs to succeed" (132)!
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