Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Family Life Marriage Conference

Two elements of my Extended Professional Development Leave (EPDL) were attending a marriage conference with my wife, and then travelling on to Princeton, NJ for a Youth Ministry Forum. This blog entry covers the Marriage Conference part.

On Friday, April 24th, Joycegina and I left for Niagara Falls, Ontario to attend a 2.5 day marriage conference Sponsored by FamilyLife Canada, a ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. During our 18 years of marriage this will be our 3rd Conference. Our first was done soon after marriage, our second was done after having two children, and this one well, was just completed. : )

We've always enjoyed these conferences. We should really go more often because they are a time of reconnection for Joycegina and I in the midst of the busyness of my work, her volunteering at church, raising our three children and all that goes with that. Taking a weekend away to not only "get away," but to work on our marriage is important to us. As one speaker put it to us for the weekend. "You may have a good marriage, but why settle for good? Don't you want a GREAT marriage?" I can't argue with that. The thing is that GREAT marriages take work, time, intentionality, and communication. I knew this, but it was good to be reminded that it's only intentional change that brings about movement in relationships. Marriages can get stale and stagnant even if we don't want them to be. Intentional change helps circumvent this.

Each time we have attended a FamilyLife Marriage Seminar (FLMS) we have been blessed with great speakers. This year was no exception. They come to us, not as people having perfect marriages, but as works in progress. Some of the struggles they share help us to realize that we are not alone in the hard work of creating solid marriages.

Some of the topics included in the seminar are:

  • 10 threats to oneness
  • God's Purpose for oneness
  • Deepening communication
  • Developing sexual intimacy
  • Mom/Dad
  • Resolving conflict, etc.
There are also projects to do during the weekend, which allow couples to communicate with each other in areas that they might not have for years. They can be challenging. There is also a "date night" built into the weekend. That is always the highlight for couples that come. However, as was evidenced by us, there are some couples that come to these conferences in an effort to save their marriages. Date night can consist of some difficult discussions based on the material we covered during the day.

Our seminar included an alumni session. Those who had been to previous FLMS met in a separate room for the first 1/2 of the conference. Here we went through a book that helped us discover our unique personal style (note, I didn't say personality style). Our personal style indicates the way in which we see and respond to other people and the world around us. Since marriage is a union of two people with unique backgrounds, perspectives, and personal styles, it's important to know how our personal styles affect how we deal with our past, self concept, family history, values, and of course, our spouse.

It was fun going through the "Personal Style Indicator" and discovering that, for us at least, Joycegina and I are a lot alike. I scored high on my analytical side. I approach my environment cautiously at times, I'm introverted by nature, I'm both verbal and non verbal at times, and I'm task oriented. I have a tendency to fearlessly take charge of my environment, being determined to succeed. I thought that was a pretty accurate assessment. Joycegina thought so too. : )

I was a bit surprised about Joycegina's scores. I won't share with you her results, as I haven't asked for permission to share. Let's just say that I thought she was a bit more outgoing than the style indicator indicated. The end result was that this process helped us to understand each other's behaviors in a new light. Why we react the way we do with each other, our children, and in other relationships. I found it very revealing, also difficult at times, but overall beneficial.

One things that was mentioned really struck me. Couples need to celebrate their differences. That's because, in reality, 70 % of those differences won't change. We can choose to get angry about them, or acknowledge they exist and work at working through those differences. Maybe to even come to a point of being able to laugh at them (which many of the speakers had come to do). I found that to be a very powerful thing to come to realize.

For this conference our "date nights" are always negotiated before the evening begins. We decided to go out for dinner (we found a really nice Italian restaurant) and a movie. We felt we had done enough "work"on our marriage for the time being. : )

Below are some pictures of our "Weekend to Remember" as the slogan goes. Let me close by saying that it was good to go to another FLMS. I say that because I feel strongly that church leaders need to have strong and healthy marriages. They don't happen automatically by any means, and those that think they do....well, they need to attend a FLMS or similar event! : )

Further, not only do church leaders need marriages that are strong and healthy, but all Christian marriages need to be this way. This makes for stronger families, and a healthier church too. Both Joycegina and I would like to encourage all married couples, whether you've been married 2 months or 50 years (there were couples there in both categories), to consider going to a marriage conference sooner than later. The cost is worth the benefit by far.

FamilyLife conferences happen year round in different locations in Canada. Pastors get a reduced fee. For those who won't, we do have a 20 % off coupon for any couple wanting to attend. Simply go to http://www.familylifecanada.org/ and look for a location near you, or date that works for you (new ones to be coming out in the fall). There have even been conferences in Ottawa at times.

If you don't like FamilyLife Canada, then consider going to a Reformed Marriage Encounter. We've never been to one, so we can't say what they are like, but any conference designed to make marriages stronger is a good thing, and a worthwhile investment.

Both Joycegina and I are thankful for the opportunity to once again be able to strengthen our marriage in an intentional way. We hope that those of you who read this will consider doing the same thing through a marriage conference, NOT just a weekend away with the two of you!

Enjoy the pictures.

Here's a picture of the Crowne Plaza Hotel we stayed in.

The interior was very nice. It was an older hotel.

The lobby located on the 2nd floor.

We've seen the fall many times now, so they aren't so much of a draw for us any longer. Here Joycegina takes in the U.S. falls.

The mighty horseshoe falls on the Canadian side.

There was a Starbucks in the hotel, so we ate muffins and hotel room coffee for our breakfasts.

One of our meals in the rain forest restaurant. A rain forest atmosphere.

Hey, we are both eating healthy. How about that!

This couple did our alumni sessions. Very down to earth and honest people.

Our alumni sessions in one of the hotel conference rooms.

As we walked around the hotel we discovered a store dedicated solely to the distribution of cola products.

T-Shirts, Hats, and of course coca cola.

Right beside that store was a Hershey's Chocolate Store. I just HAD to stop in. I didn't get anything (prices were very high), but I was tempted.

Our "date night" restaurant. We found it by accident, but it was a great find. I'd go back there if I'm ever in Niagara Falls again.

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